The magic is gone

In the summer of 2016, I wrote in my journal that I am struggling badly in life, and I need a guiding angel. Despite trying sincerely hard, I wasn’t getting satisfaction from work and not making progress toward what I wanted from life. I was in desperate need of magic.

Enters a person who told me you deserve better things in life. If you don’t let go of wrong things in life, how will you attract the right things! I didn’t believe it at first but what option did I have. I was anyway not doing great.

I started giving what that person told me to try. She told me you go for 2 hr bus against the advice of my coach. I did and I got achieved a sub-2 hr half-marathon — my dream. She told me GMAT just needs time, and I have what it takes to crack, and finally, I did. She told me against my consultant's advice to apply to the top 5 schools, and I did apply and ended up at Kellogg. My essay was her idea. With her in my life, in the last 4.5 years, I have come far. At every step, I had her as my guiding light.

But in the process life happened. Too much work. Long-distance. No meeting in last one year due to pandemic. And some serious differences that weren’t surmountable. From us understanding our silences, even talking for hours stopped solving problems. Wrong things were said. Somehow the lines of forgivable differences were crossed and something special was lost. We decided to part ways last month. The magic in my life was gone. Perhaps.

I was discussing this with a friend that how strongly I believe she was the good luck in my life. He took time but said something that struck me. Tricks don’t last. If you were betting on magic, then it wasn’t sustainable in the first place. He was probably right, but I still kept pondering over the thought.

Throughout the day I was struggling to control myself to not reach out to her and respect her choice. At times it feels I have a caffeine spike all the time. That’s tough especially when you speak to a person every day for 4.5 years. You share every feeling. Every boring update. And one day she just vanishes. No update. No message. No calls. Boom!

After struggling badly to control my uneasiness and feeling like an addict, I decided to check the last message she sent. Her message read something like this:

“Dear Ajitesh,

It’s time I feel I have to do this. Thank you for coming into my life and showing me hard work can take one to places. I wish you nothing but success and much more in this lifetime. I know one day you will have ... Just because it appears difficult, don’t forget this vision of yours.

You are in a position where somedays things might be intimidating or heavy, remember like I always say — believe in yourself and keep working hard. You deserve it. But don’t ever forget to be kind.

But it’s time for me to go. I don’t want to hurt you and myself in the process.

May you get everything you desire in this lifetime. Take care of yourself”

I know she had this planned for a long time, and we were not on good terms from a month before she dropped this message, but I could tell it was written with all sincerity, honesty, memories, and emotions. Or maybe it felt to me because I haven’t moved on. After I read it, I started feeling better. I realized it’s one of those heavy or intimidating days she is talking about. I was okay after reading it 3–4 times.

After I regained my calmness something stuck with me. Perhaps, the magic wasn’t something imaginary or unexplainable. Every time I struggled, she reminded me to have faith in my ability to work things out. When I aimed low, she told me I deserve better.

Perhaps, it was just simply her words. Words that made me believe in myself. Words that assured me that whatever be the situation, I can figure things out. Words that convinced me that I deserve good work. Words that motivated me to seek big dreams.

So as long as I believe in those words, the magic is with me.

I have those words on my desk for uneasy times that still not over. At least for a while, I need the note to be there! As a guide. As a pacer.

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Update: Turns our my heartbreak was temporary. We were back together after four months of writing this :)